Dancing In This World Alone
by orangeyouglad8
Summary: Brittana. Canon post Diva - 100. "She needs to find herself before she can find you again. Before you can find each other. Because you know. You know that you will. It's inevitable, this thing. She's here, even when she's not." One-Shot.


She's seeped into you.

She's the early morning fog, rolling in off the ocean.

She's the first and last rays of the sun on the horizon.

She's there, she's there, she's there.

Inside you, part of you.

You've soaked her up.

But she's gone.

She couldn't stay here.

She couldn't stay with you.

And you knew it.

Deep down in your bones you knew. You knew it was fleeting. You knew it would end.

This part at least.

And every second that those deep brown eyes looked at you, melted for you, smiled for you, you've locked away in your memory.

You didn't want her there.

You couldn't have her there.

She was never supposed to be there.

She wasn't supposed to be your one. She wasn't supposed to mean this much.

She was never supposed to be, but she was. She is.

Her long dark hair haunts your dreams, the color of night, the color you see when you can't fall asleep.

Her laugh, her throaty, wonderful laugh, the soundtrack to everything.

Her tears as she said goodbye, in every raindrop.

**Xx**

You dance, and you sing, and you move on.

You try to move on.

You find a boy to take your mind off it. Then another girl.

No one knows how to touch you like she does.

No one knows how to usher you over the edge like she does.

No one looks at you, looks at you and gives you everything like she does.

It'll never be the same.

You know what they say. You know they say that you never forget your first love.

Your first love is imprinted on your heart for ever. A tattoo. A scar.

There forever and ever.

The one all others are judged by.

The one, no matter how much heartbreak, how much pain, you will always love. At least a little.

That fondness so heavy inside.

So still.

So quiet.

And when no one can take your mind off her you stop trying.

You focus on dance.

You focus on you.

You focus on the way the air feels. The way the sun shines. The way the birds sound.

The way the subway shakes and rattles as it takes you to class.

The way you knew that you had to let her go.

She needed to fly.

You'd never forgive yourself if you didn't let her. If you held her back.

You'd never forgive yourself for clipping her wings.

She needs to be somewhere as big and as hot, brilliant and awesome as she is.

She needs to follow her dreams.

She needs to meet people who will show her that she's not alone.

Things that she's always been afraid of.

Things that she'll never admit to anyone, not even really to you.

But you can see it inside her.

You know her.

And if a little push from you will get her moving in the right direction, will get her to see that she can, she can, she can, you will push her all day.

Even if that means you push her to someone else.

Maybe even especially if you push her to someone else.

And even though it kills you inside, to think about someone else kissing her, touching her, loving her, you know you need to.

And you know she feels it, too. Watching you date other people.

She needs to find someone who can make her spark inside. Who can give her the things you can't right now.

Because even though you know you can, you can't.

You can't be that person for her.

You can't be her crutch.

Not right now.

Not yet.

She needs to find herself before she can find you again.

Before you can find each other.

Because you know.

You know that you will.

It's inevitable, this thing.

She's here, even when she's not.

She's seeped inside of you.

The first cool gust of air in the fall.

The rain as it dries against your skin.

She's here, in your bones.

In your soul.

She always will be.

She wasn't supposed to be here, in your bones, in your being. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

But love never is.

It never is what it's supposed to be. Until it is.

Until all your '_supposed to bes_" are silly thoughts. Romantic notions that don't mirror real life.

And everything you thought you knew, thought you wanted, goes flying out the window.

Because the real, the real is so much better.

And all the things you said you'd never want, all the things you said you didn't like, couldn't have, would never.

All those things become the things you don't care about.

All those things become the things you need.

The things you can't stop thinking about.

Because the reality, oh the reality is so, so much better.

And the one who wasn't supposed to be here, the one who wasn't supposed to be anything, is here, here, here.

Except she's not.

Because you had to let her not be.

You had to let her go.

You had to let her find herself before she could find you.

And you know she will.

You know she'll find you.

You are hers.

You've always been hers.

From the first second you laid eyes on her.

Your heart was hers even when she didn't think she wanted it.

But you knew the truth.

You knew she wanted it more than anything.

And she's always scared of wanting.

She's always been scared of wanting.

Always been scared of the big, important things.

The things she knows can hurt her.

And love, love can hurt.

And it does.

It hurts all the time, in the very best of ways.

And you saw how much she wanted you even when she was pushing you away.

That's why you know.

You know, you know, you know that she'll see the want behind your eyes.

And she won't go far.

But she'll grow up.

She'll become what she needs to be.

And you will, too.

And even if you're apart. Even if you're not together, together. You are.

Your heart has been hers since forever.

Since that first kiss.

Since hiding in her car.

Since hiding in your room.

Since hiding everything.

Except you weren't hiding anything, not from her.

She always saw it.

She always knew.

Even when she didn't want to see it. Even when she didn't want to know.

She knew, she knew, she knew.

And that scared her even more.

Until she was brave enough to stop letting it.

And she's still brave.

The bravest.

Willing to give up everything to be with you.

But you can't.

You can't let her.

You love her too much.

So, you let her fly.

You let her stream into the sun.

You both need to break the habits you've found in each other.

Need to know how to be individual, to be better together.

You've always been dancing.

Dancing together.

Dancing together alone.

**Xx**

You both fall away from each other a little bit.

You keep in touch but it gets hard. It hurts. Because you want so badly to fall into your old routines, to talk to her the way you did when you were her girlfriend.

Even though that was so little of your relationship with her.

It was such a short time.

But, you don't remember how to talk to her in any other way.

And you know she doesn't either.

Because even when you were just best friends, you weren't.

You never were.

Just wasn't a word for you two. It wasn't in your vocabulary.

And you stop dancing because it's too much.

It's not too much work and it's not too much time.

It's _too much_.

It makes you feel.

Dancing makes you open up your heart, your soul, and when you do that it's her, her, her.

And it can't be.

She can't be here. Not yet.

So you stop. Its easier to hide away in the math lab. To work until your brain doesn't think of brown eyes, dimples, and scrunchy smiles.

But you can't even hide in your work. Not really.

Not when she was always the one who believed in you. Knew the potential you had in your quirky brain.

Not when she was always the one who called you a genius. And called you a genius and believed it. In a way that had you believing it.

Not when she was the one who convinced _you_ that it was ok to follow _your_ dreams.

Because that's what you've always done for each other. Together or not.

You've always pushed each other to follow your dreams.

You'd be lying if you said proving to everyone exactly how smart you were wasn't one of your dreams.

It was, it is.

And she's always known it.

Because she knows you.

She knows your soul, too.

So you stopped dating and you stopped dancing, because she's here.

She's seeped into you.

The last tendrils of smoke from the dying fire.

The smell before summer rain.

She seeped into you, and she's here, she's here, she's here.

**Xx**

You're able to get by like that. All coffee and dots and math, math, math.

The cold wind of Boston cuts you to the core, chills your bones, but you don't really feel it.

You're numb now.

You turned everything off but your brain. No feelings, no emotions, just numbers and science.

And it feels good.

You convince yourself it feels good.

Proving all the nerdy boys at MIT that a hot blonde with a banging body can be a genius feels amazing.

But it doesn't feel as amazing as her smile.

Or her kisses.

Or how with one word she could light up your insides and leave you burning.

**Xx**

You get the call to come back to Lima again.

You don't know when these people will ever give this up.

You don't really know why you go, that place holds nothing for you. Not anymore.

Not after _Mine_.

Not after gunshots and bathroom stalls.

Not after disbelief of your abilities.

Not without her.

But you go. You see your parents. You see your friends.

You take a break from the math, math, math.

Except she's here.

She's here, she's here, she's here.

And she's all you can see.

And you try not to see it.

You try to distract yourself with chess. With numbers and chalkboards and empty classrooms.

With anything.

But you can't.

She's here and she's always been here.

And the numbers fade away with her smile.

And her concerned face.

And the way she looks at you and sees you.

Doesn't see the brain, doesn't see the science.

She just sees _you_.

And she sees your truth.

And your unhappiness.

And the numb, numb, numb.

And she doesn't like it. She tells you this.

She doesn't have to tell you, though. You can see it plain as day on her face.

You're not you.

Not the _you_ you need to be.

Not the _you_ that will be good for her.

And just like that, in one glance she knows.

She knows how hard the past year has been. She knows that you let her go, that you suffered through the same unhappiness that she did. And you did it all for her.

For both of you.

Because it's what you needed to do.

It's what you both needed to do.

And her touch is like a soothing balm.

And you want to kiss her.

You need to kiss her.

But you can't.

**Xx**

She sings to you. She tries to pull you out of your shell.

She pulls you up to dance, the Unholy Trinity back in full force.

But it feels so weird after all this time.

It feels too hard.

It's too hard because you'll have to open up again.

You'll have to open up your feelings again.

Dancing is how you've always talked to her. If you dance she'll see, she'll see, she'll see.

But she already knows.

But you fight it anyway.

And brush it off.

If you can survive this little two day stint you'll make it.

But she doesn't stop.

She's relentless.

Because she's always been your best friend, even if she wasn't _just_ your best friend.

And she needs to you to be ok, so you can both be ok.

She sings to you again.

The song that made her believe. Made her realize that she could do this.

She sings in front of everyone. But she's singing just to you.

To you, to you, to you.

And it's so much like the last year you were here with her.

When she finally opened up and showed you her love.

And she gets you to smile.

And she gets you out of your chair.

And dancing with her feels better than anything has in the past few months.

It feels like breathing again.

And you can feel the numbness start to shake loose.

And her smile, oh her smile.

And her eyes, oh her eyes.

And her arms around you, oh her embrace.

And the rumors of her girlfriend fall away from you.

Because she's here, she's here, she's here.

Seeping into you again.

The feel of a warm sweater pulled straight from the dryer..

And all the math and all the science falls away.

**Xx**

She found you again, dragged you back into the choir room.

She keeps finding you.

Like she wants to find you always.

Like only she can.

And she pulls you into the choir room, baits you with breadsticks.

And you sit there and let her talk.

Because you know she wants to.

She has to.

She always plans these big speeches, like she needs to get the words out right or they won't come out at all.

Because she is silly.

The silliest.

So you let her.

You let her spin, you let her talk.

You let her talk around the elephant in the room because it's not important.

She's always been your best friend.

And she's doing that now. Being your friend.

Being more your friend than anyone has cared to be in a long time.

And she talks about dating.

And how you should be dating.

And you don't want to be dating.

You can't date.

Because no one will be her.

And she looks at you, circling the topic.

Because you shouldn't be talking about it anyway.

But that's when you know.

And that's when you feel that jolt. The last bits of numbness fading away.

You feel alive again.

With her looking at you that way you feel alive.

And you tell her with your eyes.

You show her what you want.

What you're going to do.

And she sees it.

And her eyes flit down to your lips.

And you kiss her.

And it feels like breathing.

Like magic.

And when she pulls away you know it's not for the reason you think it is.

You know it's not because of the rumors or her relationship status.

You know it's because she's scared again.

Scared of the feelings.

Scared of the wanting.

Always so scared of wanting.

And so you tell her.

You didn't prepare a speech. You're not like her.

You speak from the heart.

And you tell her exactly how you feel.

You tell her that she makes you feel alive again, like a girl again, that your body wakes up.

Because it does. It always will.

That what you have can't be replaced or recreated. It's special. It's everything.

And you know she'll sit with it.

And you know she wants to kiss you again when you lean in and kiss her cheek.

And you know that you'll wait for her forever.

Because even though you're young, you know, you know, you know.

She's seeped into you and there's no going back from that.

You can feel it in the air, the spark between you two that will never, ever die.

And you know you'll have your ups and downs but you can't think of anyone else who you'd rather weather them with.

And you know she knows.

Her eyes are telling you that she knows.

**Xx**

You know she's going to find you again.

She's been finding you all week.

And you've filled the room with flowers.

And you've let her sit with her thoughts.

And when she walks in you know the answer.

You can see it written on her face.

And your heart soars.

Because now, now you'll be dancing together.

You'll be out in the world, all grown up, and together.

You won't be out in the world alone anymore.

You'll have her.

And she's better than anything.

And you know you won't go back to Boston, or math.

And you know you won't go back to pretending.

She's seeped into you.

And you'll let her be here now.

You need her here.

And when she smiles at you and curls into you, it's everything.

And you feel whole again. And more adult than ever before.

And she's here, she's here, she's here.

And she's not going anywhere.

**Xx**

When you pull her into you at night, when you feel her against you, inside you, you shatter.

Everything that you thought you wanted is gone.

Because it's her, her, her.

And you haven't felt her in so long.

You haven't let yourself feel her in so long.

And the dreaming about it wasn't even close.

And the memories of her touch are so pale in comparison.

Because the actuality, the actuality of it, is bigger than the universe.

And she seeps into you, into every breath and every whisper.

Every hushed moan.

Every gasp.

It becomes part of you.

Every look.

Every kiss.

They soak into your skin.

And she's everything you never wanted.

And the only thing you ever did.

Ever will.

And the whispered _I love you_, so strong, so true, her eyes locked with yours, sinks in, in, in.

She's here, she's here, she's here.

And you're dancing together again.

For always.

For infinity.


End file.
